Have you ever felt like you were on a never-ending emotional pendulum? One moment you're soaring through the highest highs, full of unbounded joy, optimism, and enthusiasm for life. But then, with startling speed, the pendulum swings down to the opposite extreme of the spectrum. Suddenly, a gloomy fog of despair and pessimism envelopes you.
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That is how I have felt a lot lately. My feelings have become a dizzying rollercoaster that I can't seem to get off of, no matter how firmly I grip the safety bar. One moment, I'm on cloud nine, feeling elated and invincible. The very next second, I'd fallen back into the gloomy depths of sorrow that always seem to be there. It's a horrible emotional whiplash that makes me continuously question myself.
During my ecstatic times, everything feels flawless and good with the world. My life is full of blessings and thrilling opportunities waiting to be taken. I am industrious, creative, and grateful for all the beauty and kindness around me.
During those lovely highs, I find myself thinking about all of the hopes and goals I want to achieve. Perhaps I'll finally read the novel I've been avoiding for years. Or I could pick up my mixer again and bake whatever I want, as I used to do as a teenager. In such exhilarating times, the possibilities feel gloriously boundless.
I'm highly social when I'm in one of my "high" phases too. I'll text friends and family constantly, eager to nurture every relationship in my life with quality time, fun adventures, and effortless conversation. I become that stereotypically annoying Energizer Bunny-like person who is always down for any impromptu outing or experience.
But then, before I know it, that manic surge of positivity starts ebbing away. It's like a light switch flicking off inside my brain, gradually dimming my sunny disposition into shades of gloom. An inexplicable heaviness starts weighing me down, sapping me of all motivation and zest.
That's when the pendulum completes its downswing into sadness and inertia. Suddenly, getting out of bed to face the day feels utterly overwhelming and pointless. Why bother chasing those dreams or fostering relationships when I'm just a fundamentally joyless, unlovable shell of a person?
In this despondent state, it feels like my life has no greater purpose or meaning. Everything I was so exhilarated about during my "up" cycle now seems frivolous and embarrassingly naïve. Who was I kidding thinking I could actually read a novel or reignite my passion for baking? I'm just wasting my dwindling years on this planet chasing fruitless pipe things
Socializing is the last thing I want to do when I'm consumed by these depressive lows. My usual Energizer Bunny persona screeches to a halt, avoiding friends and dodging any group hangouts. I become hyper self-critical of everything from my personality quirks to my physical appearance. Why would anyone want to be around this miserable lump of a human being anyway? I'm doing them all a favor by retreating into solitude.
These bleak ruts can last for days or even weeks at a time. By the time I finally claw my way out of the shadows and rejoin the land of the living, I've inevitably missed a million moments, opportunities, and human connections that I can never get back. And that reality makes me feel even more hopeless and ashamed once I'm back to my "normal" self.
It's an exhausting, vicious cycle of emotional chaos that I'm not even sure I fully understand myself. I've tried to identify patterns or potential triggers, but the shifts seem to happen at such random, inexplicable intervals. All I know is that one minute, I'm deliriously high on life. And the next, I'm being consumed by a soul-sucking darkness that is equally as intense.
I worry sometimes that this maddening pendulum swing will be the thing that finally breaks me. How can a person truly find any semblance of stability, peace or authentic happiness when their moods are this erratic and unpredictable? I'm so fatigued from being whiplashed between the emotional poles of utter elation and utter despondency.
At the end of the day though, I have to keep holding on to hope that somehow, some way, this inscrutable pendulum will eventually find its equilibrium - that nurturing middle ground where I can settle into a more balanced, moderate state of contentment. A satisfying plateau where the highs aren't precariously manic and the lows aren't devastatingly harsh.
In the meantime, all I can do is try my best to ride out each oscillating shift with as much grit and grace as possible. To remember that when I'm up, it's important to soak up the joy but not let it cloud my vision and priorities. And when I'm down, it's crucial to show myself empathy and remind myself that I won't be stuck in that pit forever.
The pendulum will keep swinging and probably always will to some degree. The key is having faith in my resilience and accepting that the erratic emotional rhythm is simply part of my unique composition as a human being. It may be tumultuous, but it's what makes me beautifully, passionately, messily alive.
