We are all unique in character though the same in structure and this uniqueness is what can give rise to offences. What might upset me is quite different from what might upset other people and vice versa. Our uniqueness and diversity holds a great influence over our actions and reactions.
When we get hurt or offended, the offender sometimes come with an apology and an expectation to be forgiven of their offense. This is quite a tall order in my opinion because how do you ask a mother to forgive the murderer of her only child? Or how do you ask a man to forgive the robber that broke into his home, shot his wife and raped his two daughters to death before his very eyes? How do you do that?
What really is forgiveness
Forgiveness has been given a lot of definitions. To some it means to let go of an offense and treat the offender like he never committed the offense. Others say it is to let go the pain and forget about what happened in the past, that is to forgive and forget.
I believe these definitions in itself do not properly provide depth and guidance. I stumbled upon an article by a renowned psychologist and his definition of forgiveness brought clarity. He said..
"Forgiveness is the conscious, deliberate decision to release the feelings of pain, resentment and vengeance felt towards a person who has harmed or offended you, regardless of whether there are deserving or not".
This blew my mind
I was of the school of thought that whoever offended me, must come and apologise sincerely or I would not forgive them. I chose to hold on to resentment even though I recited the Lord's prayer daily. I felt cheated because I thought it was okay for people to hurt and offend me while I just be a good pass and forgive with a smile. No one told me how to take care of the emotional damage caused by the offense and for a long time, I struggled to forgive people who offended me.
But the definition above opened my eyes to see what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Forgiveness is not;
Forgetting the occurrence. Thinking this way is unwise because the brain stores memories and it cannot be deleted.
**It is not excusing the offense or denying its gravity neither is it condoning the offense.
It is not denying the pain and hurt as well
**Forgiving someone does not obligate the forgiver to reconcile with the offender. If there is need for reconciliation, it should be done on a mutual consent and respect basis. Also, a transformative change in the offender is a criteria.
If a husband cheats on his wife and is discovered. If he pleads for forgiveness and reconciliation but does not change his immoral habit of sleeping around, is he not putting his wife in danger?
Sometimes forgiveness is to stay away from that toxic person, who continuously offends and cause harm.
Forgiveness is practical and just like most things we learn in life, consistency is key. Forgiveness is also not instantaneous. It is a conscious daily decision.
Personally I pray for my offender and say out loud "I forgive you", regardless of apology or not.
Stop waiting for the offender to apologise before you forgive. Do it for your own sake. Unforgiveness is likened to a person ingesting poison while expecting the offender to die. This is an irony because it is he who took poison that will die.
Benefits of forgiving people
Forgiving our offenders brings peace to the forgiver.
It also helps the forgiver healing from the pain of the offense and helps the forgiver move on with their life.
It frees the forgiver of feelings of regret, corrosive anger and the need for revenge.
The expression forgive and forget doesn't mean to forget the event leading to the offense rather it means to forget the pain that came with the offense. Just like an injury that leaves a scar on the body, some offences leave scars in and on us and when we forgive, we look at the scar but feel no pain anymore.
Forgiving people helps one walk the higher road of freedom.
Thank you all for reading.