After ten sessions, the psychotherapy course came to an end, and while I don't think there was anything profound to come from it for me - I quite enjoyed the conversations with the therapist that broached many topics, and gave me a chance to speak about things that most people are less open to discuss. I think that while many people think they are pretty open to all kinds of discussions, in my own experience, most are far more closed off than they believe, and their bodies and faces twist and squirm at the discomfort of even simple conversations - like death, meaning, and human value.
I think that part of the reason people are uncomfortable is because there is a social asymmetry when discussing topics, with an expectation that we should focus on the positives of a situation. But, this glossing over the negatives leaves a lot of the understanding, and therefore the value in lessons off the table, reducing what we can draw from it. It is wasting much of the resource that is experience, and throwing away meat and bones that could be used. Focusing on the positives is a privilege, and I think that it is in part because of this, that we forget the lessons of the past we could have learned to reduce our chances of repeating the same mistakes over and over.
We are creatures of habit.
And our habit is to be comfortable - or perhaps, it is to avoid discomfort. And because we have a brain that can imagine and build concepts, this extends to the non-physical discomfort too, the mental and emotional discomforts - which tend to express themselves as if they are physical manifestations. We prefer to feel good, so we will avoid what makes us feel discomfort now, even if doing it would lead us to feeling better later.
We favour relief, more than cure.
To finish the session, thew therapist said that what she has often seen with people is that after they have accepted that they can't get what they want, many end up getting it. She used an expression in Finnish which I can't recall fully, but it was about gripping the stick too tightly. And I get this, because I reckon that when we try too hard we end up focusing too much on what we think will get us to where we want to go, which means we aren't necessarily sensitive to the actual environment, or the changes in it. This means that we miss opportunity to the side, or we miss the opportunity to catch what we are doing wrong right in front of us.
But what is, try too hard?
Shouldn't we try to do what we think is right? Shouldn't we at least try to improve conditions for ourselves and others? Shouldn't we try - even if it is uncomfortable? Or is life meant to be so effortless, that we needn't try to do anything at all. And if that is the case, what is the value of having a life at all? And by this, I mean the human value, not the species value of simple continuance. Because if that is our only purpose in life, than evolution has made a mistake to evolve the kind of brain we have. Maybe it is a mistake - maybe it will be our downfall as a species to be able to imagine a better future.
But, as I see it, the "I tried" isn't good enough if one only tries what one is comfortable in trying, because that is rarely where the solutions are going to lay. We are comfortable with what we know and what we already are doing, so if we are having problems knowing and doing those things - we have to learn something else to try instead. But, that means dealing with discomfort by firstly exploring unknowns, and then applying them into practice. We don't like doing that - at least in areas we are *uncomfortable with.
For example as a parent, I want my daughter to have her best life, but what that could be is highly uncertain - especially in a dynamical and rapidly changing environment. A lot of people will avoid a lot of what is going on in the world today, because it is negative and they don't want to see it, let alone think about it. Yet, that also contains influencing factors that my daughter is going to face in her lifetime, where she is going to have to navigate a social circle that has been raised on screens, who are highly entitled, and who believe they can have what they want, when they want it. Me not facing these things now, learning what I can, and trying to understand so as to prepare her for her future, is just not good enough for her.
It is not about me.
My discomfort is an investment into her gain. It is putting money into a stock in the hope that the ROI is going to be that she has more opportunity and a better experience. Money isn't enough, if she doesn't also carry the understanding on how to spend her resources, and the wisdom to deal with the influencing factors in her life. A parent's job is to try and build a foundation for their children, and like it or not, it has to factor in that an individual does not live in a vacuum, and the landscape is filled with risks and dangers. It doesn't matter if the predator is a sabre-toothed tiger, an investment manager, or a man who believes he can take what he wants, a parent's goal is to mitigate the risks.
Perhaps it is all for nought.
Maybe all the effort will amount to nothing, like a soldier who has trained for every eventuality and developed their body into peak physical condition, only to catch a stray bullet on the beaches of Normandy. Maybe all the people who laugh at those who try and fail are right, and it is better not to put in the energy and try at all. Maybe those who just live for pleasure, even if it leads to increased suffering, are right. Perhaps life should be easy, and we should just avoid anything that causes personal discomfort - but then, if we look back into the past to discover the sources of the good parts of life today - where did they come from?
Was no one trying?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
