You write so beautifully Clare and this resonated with me. I've looked at old pictures that have taken me back in time to that exact moment you describe where everything was a real struggle...hell, getting out of bed in the morning was a struggle most days and yet, here I am. I'm still pushing myself, still plodding and ploughing through the rough days, enjoying the light ones, having hope for a few better tomorrows and I'm at peace with most things of my past. Not all of them, but most. At least I am whole again and not scattered everywhere with frenetic energy not knowing where or how to devote my time and attention. I have found peace within my own being and that has been the most monumental gift that I ever gave myself - the permission to be...to take up space and to become. I totally get it.
By the way, that first photo of you is epically beautiful and your expression says so much. It's hauntingly awesome.