Well, that was unexpected!
The Good Lady lowered herself into the car seat beside me with a puzzling wince.
I stopped playing intergalactic space pilot in my head and took my hands off the wheel to look over at her.
What was unexpected? Did the gynaecologist look in your mouth and say you needed a filling? Or was she wearing a miner's helmet? I guess that would be unexpected. Although maybe not entirely so, it is the 21st century now after all.
I turned the key in the engine and the stereo sputtered into life spilling glorious metal music from its speakers.
The Good Lady biffed me gently on the shoulder with her fist.
No that was not what was unexpected. After my exam, she asked if I had considered a coil for birth control.
She made a winding motion with one finger in the air as if conducting a tiny little orchestra.
I made a face of understanding which kind of looks like you are doing a shit on a high hill and keeping a keen eye out for eagles trying to steal your toilet paper.
So I said I hadn't really thought about it and she said well if you like I can... you know, put one in?
The Good Lady looked at me intently as if searching for something behind my handsome facade.
I looked back at her blankly. Was this a momentous occasion? Was I meant to input here? What was a coil anyway? Was it like one of those slinky toys that you played with when you were young?
Fuck, how would that work? Those things were seriously wide. I mean, I like to big up my mannity but there was no way I could fill one of them up even with my gentlemanly penis.
Damn the fucking matriarchy, they always find a way to mess with you.
I presume you told her to get to fuck and you weren't having a gigantic fucking spring inserted up your whoopsie?
I tutted at the thought of such an indignity being put upon my very own good lady.
Actually, I didn't. I told her to go ahead after she mentioned the benefits of it versus the pill.
The Good Lady squirmed a little in her seat as if she had just had a giant spring freshly inserted up her lady-sock.
Benefits? Benefits? What possible benefits could there be? Would she now perhaps bounce downstairs in a hypnotic head-over-heels kind of way? That would be something.
Um, alright then. Was it sore?
I had no idea how to visualise what she had just gone through. Was it like docking a spaceship to the ISS? I mean, I literally had no idea.
It was a little bit uncomfortable. She had to adjust it after it went in because a bit was poking out when she checked.
All the music which had been happily pouring from the car stereo seemed to trickle to a halt as my jaw dropped so far from my face that it was practically in the centre of the earth.
She what and what what?
I could not fathom this. A bit was poking out? What in the name of all the Red Shepherds?!
Did that mean it was really like a spring? Like when you have a dodgy mattress and a spiky bit of metal was poking out? Holy Kaka? Was every jiggy jiggy session from now on going to be like a scene from an Indiana Jones movie?
What if we were doing the do and the end of it got caught in my penis when I tried to withdraw and I was caught hanging there like a sad trout on a line?!
This just could not be?!
What if it got all bent and fankled like the kid's ones? They took hours to put right.
I gulped.
Are you ok?
The Good Lady looked over at me closely whilst adjusting her seating to try and get comfortable with the giant armageddon vortex inside her.
Yeah, It's just quite the surprise that's all. Don't worry babe, we will get through this together.
I smiled reassuringly as I pulled the car out of the car park.
Now where did I put that fake passport?
